Perhaps the seasonal depression I had always discounted, affected me more than I realized.
I fought. Fought back tears, fought my desperation to scream, fought my feelings of inadequacy, fought the feelings of guilt that crept in.
I emerged victorious.
I had set goals for myself and I pushed myself to meet them, perhaps pushing past the point of understanding. I let myself get carried away by these newfound feelings, using all the pieces given to me to build myself back up. But was I just replacing one unsure thing with another?
At the conclusion of summer, I finally came to the realization. It's been a really good year, I told my coworker over dinner. I turned this year around and it has been the most fulfilling year I can remember, and I am proud of myself.
Good times never last. Autumn delayed her arrival, but as the final month of the year arrived, the familiar feelings of despair and disappointment came creeping back.
No matter the outcome, I am thankful. Thankful for the happiness of this time in my life, of the reminder of the lightness of life. Nothing will last forever, and the impermanence of life is what makes it so tragically beautiful.
So what have I learned? Stop trying to dictate your life. Live it and let it bring you to new places you couldn't have fathomed in your little pea brain.
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