Downtown Girl

I have lived in the city for five years. My main goal was to live alone for the first time in my life, only ever having lived with family or roommates.

To be frank, I felt like I had outgrown the desire to live in the city shortly after graduation, but nevertheless I seized the first opportunity to move out. The overwhelming feedback I got from my friends who mainly lived in suburbia was that they hated the busy city, it was loud, smelly, traffic was terrible, and there were too many people, especially of the unsavoury variety. Despite the negative cloud that hovered over, knowing that I likely would not settle here long-term, I wanted to make the most of my time in the big metropolis.

2024

The year was off to a rough start. The thing I spent the latter half of the past year worrying about, had come true.

Perhaps the seasonal depression I had always discounted, affected me more than I realized.

For the love of analog

The stories of my parents and grandparents past lives always intrigued me. As they relayed their childhood and young adult years, the images began to materialize before me through the eyes of their past selves.

Souvenirs

When I first moved out, I finally had full control over what my space would look like, and was the only one who could change, destroy, or add to the space. My home became my sanctuary, my place to retreat where only the things I wanted to surround myself with remained.

2025 bingo

A common question we ask and receive at this time of year, especially in the corporate world where small talk is king, might be "any new years resolutions?"

In the shade

2019.10.23 23:22

Like a cat

Invalidated

There are many things I dislike. There are behaviours, actions, and mindsets that I thoroughly dislike, and will not tolerate the idea of. 

So then it should be simple to sort through the types of people I despise...

Yet, I invalidate my own feelings by making excuses for others; not out of some magnanimous attempt to be kind, but because I can not trust myself to read the situation right. I often go against my instincts because I worry of the source of where they were informed; by prejudice, misguided notions, stereotypes, unrealistic expectations, trauma. 

Creation for consumption

 A few years ago, I was speaking with a friend about my wishes of creating more through different mediums. I mentioned that I would get caught up watching or reading or viewing other creations in search of inspiration, technique, etc... and get carried away. 

Fleeting

The impermanence of items and objects is visual as it degrades gradually over time.

Cycling through the valley

I have been having some consistently awesome days lately. As the world begins its yearly thaw, the willingness for outdoor activities increases. 

I often come home at the end of a long day filled with pleasant memories of a day spent with loved ones. Having seen new sights, eaten good food, and having long conversations that continue to bolster our camaraderie.

Carried by a tune

The unique power of music

to transport me to a time when I felt happy, safe, proud

the comfort that slowly seeps through the slow chill that has been suffocating 

playlists that now mark the passage of time

placeholders for the thoughts, feelings, and dreams that seemed so far removed from my current reality

A refresher on travelling

here we are 

chasing the sunset 

Insurance

I stepped away from a lot of doing for a time; a pause longer than I had ever anticipated. When I slowly stepped back in, there weren't many changes in my life, and the pandemic only served to continue that slow pace. Recently, there was a ramp up to unexpected levels that was not unwelcome, but definitely served to test my ability to adapt. 

No vacancy

 I don't know how well I can articulate my thoughts at the moment as my brain feels frazzled. Writing down words is a little more difficult than usual.

Impermanence

When I first used a permanent marker, I asked my mom what the word meant. She said to be careful because the marker wouldn't come off, thus the reason for the name. The thought scared me, and when using it once, a smidge of ink stuck to my finger. Terrified, I told my mom, only to be told that it would come off skin within a day. 

Singular

I want to do so much

But I'm afraid

that my tries worsen the trauma

that my cries will strike a nerve

that my effort is burdensome

Navigating this world that has been built by the hands and thoughts of so many

Where is there room for me to carve out my place?

To lay the foundation in place where we can all be happy

Maybe my attempts are futile

But they stay more useless the more they exist only in my head

Crybaby, you did well

I seek validation from the world. In this society, I suppose we all do, in its many different forms. Though I can live and function without this validation, the lack of it slowly eats at me and rips my insides to shreds as I try and reason with myself that I am worthy no matter what...

Colourless

I first realized that my home was a dark place in high school. My friends and I had embarked on an ambitious filming project, mostly due to my prodding and obsession with a certain "banjun" reverse drama. We rewrote the scripts to make it a double reverse drama, and had a lot of fun making the cheesiest, corniest, hammiest interpretation possible. I still have those scripts, though sadly not the taped scenes.

A lonely memory

 I really enjoyed living in my memories. Looking over old photos, recalling past adventures, past joys, sorrows, and lessons. I would argue that I visited too often, cherishing memories more than the present moment. Even when something amazing was happening, it was difficult to wholly focus on the moment, sometimes finding myself thinking ahead to what an amazing memory this would later be.