Happy-go-lucky

 I remember the first time a classmate in high school commented that I had a "happy-go-lucky" attitude,  I was slightly dumbfounded. 

Reading many stories of cheerful, happy characters throughout my childhood, I was attracted to those personalities and tried to emulate them when things around me seemed to be pushing me to feel the contrary. I started thinking how those characters might act in this situation, looking towards the positives, pushing down uncomfortable feelings and negative emotions. I started blocking out the difficult situations and trying to willfully ignore my way into bliss. 

I worked so hard to come across that way, while pushing down all the negative emotions and worries to when I could cope with them, alone. I realized I had finally succeeded in building it in so strongly in my persona that I felt like I had 'tricked' the world into believing I was the person I so desperately wished to be.